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07-10-2005, 05:41 PM
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#1 |
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This is bat country
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,534
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Here goes song #3 "Through the Trees" CRIT FOR CRIT
Sorry there is no "free candy" but since your already here crit my song. Ill gladly do yours if your so kind to do mine. Its bassically about trying to find yourself
 The song is NOT about religion its only about a guy trying to find his place in diffrent ways like through a shady religous figure or the attempt to use money. So I say gain for all to hear this is not religious.Can i ask you not to touch me now lick my lips and take a bow Let the sun flow through the trees Past my eyes, into me Grab my slippers, take my mind Glory is what I need to find Listen now he knows the path Hes got the answer that righteous man Chorus- Oh God Why have I fallen into the same old place Oh God Is there any thing I can do to save face Oh God C'mon god ive heard stories about your grace But I guess its all for them and not for me Its all clear now since the fog has moved I want to be loved as well as soothed Dont touch my soul with that hand shapped knife Its all I've got and it is my only life I saw a bird fly through the sun It lets me know my deeds are done Ill take my milk but not my honey Ive got greed but I dont have money Repeat chorus So there I am you've all met me And can understand why im not free Ive closed the door so thats all gone Wit the unlost thoughts still on my lawn its all gone and now I have nothing Not to say I ever had something Walkin towards, up at the sky Not lookin down thnking Drop or Die critique even if it sucks I wan to get better Last edited by StrangelyBrewed13; 07-12-2005 at 12:53 PM. |
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07-10-2005, 07:35 PM
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#2 | |
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 75
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07-10-2005, 08:07 PM
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#3 |
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This is bat country
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,534
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thanks ill do yours. Its good to know that most of the problems are gramatical.Any one else Crit 4 Crit
Last edited by StrangelyBrewed13; 07-10-2005 at 08:11 PM. |
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07-10-2005, 08:43 PM
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#4 |
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Fender Man
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: America
Posts: 158
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It's a good poem... Although I'm not down with the whole God feel, but I guess in your situation of what the song is about, it works. There were some memorable lines. For example, "Let the sun flow through the trees. Past my eyes and into me"
All in all, it was a nice poem/song... Good job on it |
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07-11-2005, 07:20 AM
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#5 |
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This is bat country
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,534
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Thanks and though God is mentioned its not a christian song. Its actually a song that mentions god in a pretty sarcastic way. I dont know if that changes anything but there you go.
Last edited by StrangelyBrewed13; 07-11-2005 at 04:27 PM. |
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07-11-2005, 07:35 AM
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#6 |
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Shut up and rock!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Indiana
Posts: 113
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Hey! That was mean! You shouldn't lie to people! I wanted some candy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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07-11-2005, 10:43 AM
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#7 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Sweden
Posts: 2,667
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Im sorry, im not in the mood of doing every critique because you have tripple-posted almost every thread in this forum.. right here is a quadrouple post..
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07-11-2005, 11:05 AM
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#8 |
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I steal sh.i.t
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,530
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pretty nice song.. I've always hated reading song lyrics cause I can never get the sense of rhythm and flow... but the material you have it good.
I have no major complaints, except for a few spelling mistakes and the use of "glee." I just hate the word. that's all |
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07-11-2005, 11:24 AM
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#9 |
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Oh Wah Ah Ah Ah
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 44
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I liked it but im new here so my opinion really doesnt matter... overall from another point of view, it was good!
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07-11-2005, 11:55 AM
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#10 |
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suc big hairy monky balls
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: some where in the universe
Posts: 187
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Well, if uve read my own work ud laugh at me for crit'in some one else (lol) but it can use some work. Grammer isnt ur thing, but it isnt my thing either so i have no place to talk. There are a few lines that could use some help, but all in all it is good. Sorry for the ppl being rude and not crit'in u, i know how it feels. Good job bud ~jade
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07-11-2005, 11:59 AM
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#11 | |
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Somewhere In Time
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 82
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Digging: Dio - Holy Diver
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07-11-2005, 12:04 PM
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#12 |
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R.I.P Hunter S. Thompson
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 233
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. some pretty good imagry. some of the line could use some work, over all very good
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07-11-2005, 02:51 PM
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#13 | |
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Hey look its Erik Rutan.
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In your ear
Posts: 2,633
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07-11-2005, 03:18 PM
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#14 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 3
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has anyone else mentioned that in the line - 'Me and him need some time to find' that it should be 'He and I'?
Sorry, I'm a grammatical obssessive, that's what comes from studying English. However, I think that with that minor adjustment the line flows a lot better. I also think that one verse in particular would be a little more 'punchy' if broken up slightly. Tell me if you think I'm wrong, but I'll paste the original and then my adjustment... I just found out im feelin blue From a lack of things ive got to do Let the sun flow through the trees Past my eyes and into me Grab my slippers and take my mind Me and him need some time to find Listen to him he knows the path Hes got the answer that righteous man I just found out im feelin blue From a lack of things to do Let the sun flow through the trees Past my eyes and into me Grab my slippers, take my mind He and I need time to find Listen now, he knows the path Hes got the answer that righteous man Subtle adjustment to what I think is a well written verse. My favourate line in the song is 'Dont touch my soul with that hand shapped knife' Just great, as well as 'Ive got greed but I dont have money' The only down point I can say is that some of the rhymes seem a little forced. Did you write parts of this with a rhyming dictionary? Well, if anyone wants to crit my first lyric post under 'First Attempt' I would appreciate it, but after reading this I'm worried mine truely is aweful as it's very cliche and was just what came out of my head. :S |
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07-11-2005, 04:10 PM
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#15 |
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This is bat country
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,534
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Hey man those adustements you made are really great. Im sorry about the gramatical problems but I justed finished eight grade so whats to be expected. No, I didnt use a rhyming dictionary but maybe should have. Ill gladly read your song. My last song "Conducted Around" had a lot of flow problems so that was what I was aiming for this time around. Thanks for the great crit and the suggestions are really good. Also believe me the music I wrote really spices things up a bit. I apologise if the song is gramatically flawed I only spent a couple minutes wrting. I have also made some changes to the pieces. It would also be cool if "A Perfect Sonnet" crited it because he seems to know what hes doing. Anyone else CRIT 4 CRIT without hesitation.
Last edited by StrangelyBrewed13; 07-11-2005 at 06:08 PM. |
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07-11-2005, 06:18 PM
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#16 |
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This is bat country
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,534
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bumpy road, huh?
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07-11-2005, 08:07 PM
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#17 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 99
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It was a good poem. Steady rhythm with good rhymes. I can see how easily it could be view as a song to god.
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07-11-2005, 08:12 PM
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#18 |
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This is bat country
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,534
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ya thats what i was worried about. I thought that the last line of the chorus was pretty suming of the songs attitude. Its a song actually.
Last edited by StrangelyBrewed13; 07-11-2005 at 08:31 PM. |
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07-11-2005, 10:40 PM
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#19 |
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cake and sodomy
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,605
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Firstoff, I understand that my song sucks. I was really bored though and decided I had nothing to lose in trying.
That aside: Can i ask you not to touch me now lick my lips and take a bow Let the sun flow through the trees Past my eyes, into me Grab my slippers, take my mind Him and I need to find Listen now he knows the path Hes got the answer that righteous man I like this verse. The words flow and rhyme nicely Chorus- Oh God Why have I fallen into the same old place Oh God Is there any thing I can do to save face Oh God C'mon god ive heard stories about your grace But I guess its all for them and not for me I don't like the chorus much. It seems more basic than the verses and less poetic. Its all clear now since the fog has moved I want to be loved as well as soothed Dont touch my soul with that hand shapped knife Its all I've got and it is my only life I saw a bird fly through the sun It lets me know my deeds are done Ill take my milk but not my honey Ive got greed but I dont have money This verse is pretty good. Almost as good as the first. Repeat chorus So there I am you've all met me And can understand why im not free Ive closed the door so thats all gone Wit the unlost thoughts still on my lawn its all gone and now I have nothing Not to say I ever had something Walkin towards, up at the sky Not lookin down thnking Drop or Die This could use a little revision, beter words, and the line in italics really needs to be changed. |
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07-11-2005, 10:43 PM
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#20 |
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dead
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 3,041
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Don't use a rhyming dictionary, man. It'll just mess you up down the road, especially if you start writing around your rhymes, instead of just writing and rhyming when it's right. English is quite the musical language; it just requires some attention to subtlety.
Honestly, this makes no sense grammatically. It's all just one meandering sentence, but it's not a big deal. It just means I have to spend a little more time figuring out what you're trying to say, and, well ... I'm still not sure I got it down. It'd be really easy to dive into a critique of grammar, but I'm afraid that's missing the forest for the trees. I will say that it marches right along to a steady beat, which is always good. But I think the emphasis on rhyming nearly every line has left you with stilted thoughts, some of which don't make a whole lot of sense. Line 2, for example. Sorry if this critique isn't much of a critique, but I'll at least provide my interpretation of this. I see this as a man who is angry or disatisfied with God because of God's perceived lack of fairness, i.e., "C'mon god ive heard stories about your grace/But I guess its all for them and not for me". Essentially, I think this is about a person that has moved away from God, hardened his heart, and feels liberated. Finally. Sorry if I'm way off. It moves though, so props on that. The girl's got rhythm. Last edited by slack; 07-11-2005 at 11:16 PM. |
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Digging: Kowloon Walled City - Gambling On The Richter Scale
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