On The Other Side Of The Wall - crit plz

--Attaboy_Skip-- · 01-17-2005, 04:19 PM

Ok, this is my second draft. I tried my best to comply with your suggestions and this is what I've done with it. Again, let me know what you think of the revisions, if you've read the first draft. If you haven't read the first draft then just let me know what you like about the second draft. Anyways, enough of this useless banter, here's the second draft.

On The Other Side Of The Wall

At night, I dream of a faceless girl.
Her siren song, it beckons me.
I try to run to her but trapped
Within these four walls.
It's my prison,
It's my cell.

Her voice is mixed with pain and pleasure.
I take some time to contemplate.
A picture is hung upon the wall,
Filled with mystery.
I feel it watching me,
As I shiver.

One half begs for freedom
The other half longs to stay.
One enjoys the moonlight,
While the other likes the day.
In the embrace of a lover
Or submitting to her master.
Undecided, undivided,
I believe I've been misguided.

These tangled chains, they hold me down,
There's no escape for me.
I'm tied, I'm bound, I'm helpless
With no sign of a key.
I know this is a phantasy
But it just feels so real to me.
At night, I dream of a faceless girl,
And now I'm lost here, in her world.

So you know what to do, thanks again. Cheers.

--Attaboy_Skip-- · 01-17-2005, 04:21 PM

lol sorry about the double post, if someone can delete one of these threads that'd be great.

--Attaboy_Skip-- · 01-17-2005, 06:20 PM

come on guys don't let this go belly up just yet.

BassMan182 · 01-17-2005, 06:36 PM

this was very nice. i loved some of the lines, but there was a mish mash of what rhymed and what didn't. if you made them cosistent, i would personally prefer it.

great work though, 8.5/10

--Attaboy_Skip-- · 01-17-2005, 06:38 PM

thanks i noticed after i was finished that the first half of the song didnt rhyme but the second half did. i've tried to experiment with adding a rhyme or two in the first half and get some consistency going but i can't see the song any other way. any changes i made didnt seem like they fit. anyways thanks again for your crit.

BassMan182 · 01-17-2005, 07:08 PM

it might seem like a terrible crime on song writing, but go to www.rhymezone.com

even if you don't use the words, it might give you some ideas. works for me sometimes.

--Attaboy_Skip-- · 01-17-2005, 07:11 PM

lol yeah i actually use that site sometimes

--Attaboy_Skip-- · 01-17-2005, 07:13 PM

is there anyone else to crit?

sparkylp2002 · 01-17-2005, 08:14 PM

Well while i was reading this piece here i really couldnt put it to music in my head. It seemed to read more like a poem, however if you can put it to music thats fine. You do use some really good imagery through out this piece. My only problem is the part

Quote:

There is a girl on the other side of the wall
And I don't know anything about her at all.
Whether she's good or bad,
Or if she's happy or sad,
Or if she truly needs me at all.

That part seemed weak compared to the rest of the piece here.

score 7.5/10

And thanks for the crit on my piece.

Spectrum · 01-17-2005, 09:37 PM

Parts read like free-form verse, parts read like poetry, and the last line was the weak link in the song.

But I liked it.

it presented interesting material, deep and rich in content, and I felt pulled along through it by the lyrics, even as the lack of consistency got a little rocky. The theme is good, the imagery is pretty good, decent vocabulary, and I like a lot of the feel given to the words. However, the song attempts to meld free-form with super-structured in a lot of parts, and the blend works only passably. The flow is a little off as a result.

This song shows promise, though, so keep it up!

I give it: a song-with-potential 7.75

Shameless self-promotion: (Rainy Day in) Winter
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6272176#post6272176

|Demosthenes| · 01-18-2005, 10:14 AM

hey, good stuff! yah, some of it dident go well with other parts, like:

Her voice is mixed with pain and pleasure.
I take some time to comtemplate.
A picture hangs uopn the wall,
Full of mystery.
It's an enigma,
It's a closed book.

dident fit with the rest of it, and

I awake from my dream as I hear one final scream
And I'm perplexed from what I'd seen.

dident go with the rest of the verse... but, i still liked it

8/10

--Attaboy_Skip-- · 01-18-2005, 10:18 AM

I really appreciate all of your input, keep it coming. Does anyone have suggestions on how I could change these parts? A crit for me is a crit for you, ya know what I'm sayin'

Thanks again, guys.

Mr Benners · 01-18-2005, 01:29 PM

Ta for my crit.

Ok, i quite liked this and I'm not one for the love songs. You make very good use of metaphor and complex imagery. In places yeah it can seem a bit weak, i didnt like the "Happy or mad" bit, the flow wasnt there and although it is used a lot "Happy or sad" works a lot better.

Overall 7/10

Nice one

IOWNU200 · 01-18-2005, 01:32 PM

i'm a fan of the way you wrote this. You have a pretty good topic accomponied with some really good lines. It looks like you put some thought into it. For a few suggestions, I'd consider changing these lines.

Quote:

It's an enigma,
It's a closed book.

I just don't really seem to like it. You can probably come up with something a little better.

Overall though it was really good, and thanks for taking the time to read mine

--Attaboy_Skip-- · 01-18-2005, 03:38 PM

Thanks for your crits, with your input I'm trying to change my piece according to your suggestions. I agree the 'chorus' is weak so I'll revise it and give it a complete overhaul, since that's the main issue. As well as the last few lines of the 'bridge'. Perhaps another verse should be added? Any thought or would it be long enough already? Again many thanks to all of you.

Sword2020 · 01-18-2005, 07:07 PM

You know, it was pretty good, but just no really my style. Though ti changed around a little, that's fine with me. As long as it fits with the elody, it'll be fine, just not waht I really want to listen to. To each his own, and nice work.

peaveyrules · 01-18-2005, 07:11 PM

I like the way you've written it. Rhyming seems to go together nicely without it sounding to over-done or cheesy, very poetic-nish. I would agree though, the chorus seems....to forward and "in line", but overall I like it.

H to the ickle · 01-18-2005, 07:30 PM

I like it. It has a cool narrative-ish feel to it that doesn't appear in many songs. 8/10

estel · 01-18-2005, 11:30 PM

I have to agree with most of what has been said.

The verses containing "happy or mad" seem to be lacking when compared to the other verses. The rest of the song has great imagery and depth to it, then it loses it with those fairly weak stanzas.

For the rest of the song (the parts without "happy or sad/mad")
The flow is good, and the imagery and metaphor is really good too.

All up - 7/10, losing points due to the weaker verses.

campthree02 · 01-19-2005, 06:02 AM

One half wants the be rescued
And the other half wants to stay.
One enjoys the moonlight
While the other one likes the day.
In the embrace of a lover
Or playing with sharp razors.
I awake from my dream as I hear one final scream
And I'm perplexed from what I'd seen.

I thought this part was friggin brilliant i liked it overall but this part stood out the most maybe change up the chorus a little bit to be more complex like the rest of the song// Goodjob keep up the good work 8/10

01-17-2005, 04:19 PM	#1
--Attaboy_Skip-- I Am The Walrus Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: C'wood, ON Posts: 341	On The Other Side Of The Wall (2nd draft) - plz crit Ok, this is my second draft. I tried my best to comply with your suggestions and this is what I've done with it. Again, let me know what you think of the revisions, if you've read the first draft. If you haven't read the first draft then just let me know what you like about the second draft. Anyways, enough of this useless banter, here's the second draft. On The Other Side Of The Wall At night, I dream of a faceless girl. Her siren song, it beckons me. I try to run to her but trapped Within these four walls. It's my prison, It's my cell. Her voice is mixed with pain and pleasure. I take some time to contemplate. A picture is hung upon the wall, Filled with mystery. I feel it watching me, As I shiver. One half begs for freedom The other half longs to stay. One enjoys the moonlight, While the other likes the day. In the embrace of a lover Or submitting to her master. Undecided, undivided, I believe I've been misguided. These tangled chains, they hold me down, There's no escape for me. I'm tied, I'm bound, I'm helpless With no sign of a key. I know this is a phantasy But it just feels so real to me. At night, I dream of a faceless girl, And now I'm lost here, in her world. So you know what to do, thanks again. Cheers. Last edited by --Attaboy_Skip--; 01-23-2005 at 04:39 PM.

01-17-2005, 09:37 PM	#10
Spectrum Guitar/Piano/Vocals/Stuff Join Date: May 2004 Location: At a computer somewhere in (Gorham) Maine Posts: 3,621	Parts read like free-form verse, parts read like poetry, and the last line was the weak link in the song. But I liked it. it presented interesting material, deep and rich in content, and I felt pulled along through it by the lyrics, even as the lack of consistency got a little rocky. The theme is good, the imagery is pretty good, decent vocabulary, and I like a lot of the feel given to the words. However, the song attempts to meld free-form with super-structured in a lot of parts, and the blend works only passably. The flow is a little off as a result. This song shows promise, though, so keep it up! I give it: a song-with-potential 7.75 Shameless self-promotion: (Rainy Day in) Winter http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6272176#post6272176
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01-17-2005, 04:21 PM	#2
--Attaboy_Skip-- I Am The Walrus Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: C'wood, ON Posts: 341	lol sorry about the double post, if someone can delete one of these threads that'd be great.

01-17-2005, 06:20 PM	#3
--Attaboy_Skip-- I Am The Walrus Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: C'wood, ON Posts: 341	come on guys don't let this go belly up just yet.

01-17-2005, 06:36 PM	#4
BassMan182 www.soundfusions.co.uk Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: England Posts: 1,344	this was very nice. i loved some of the lines, but there was a mish mash of what rhymed and what didn't. if you made them cosistent, i would personally prefer it. great work though, 8.5/10

01-17-2005, 06:38 PM	#5
--Attaboy_Skip-- I Am The Walrus Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: C'wood, ON Posts: 341	thanks i noticed after i was finished that the first half of the song didnt rhyme but the second half did. i've tried to experiment with adding a rhyme or two in the first half and get some consistency going but i can't see the song any other way. any changes i made didnt seem like they fit. anyways thanks again for your crit.

01-17-2005, 07:08 PM	#6
BassMan182 www.soundfusions.co.uk Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: England Posts: 1,344	it might seem like a terrible crime on song writing, but go to www.rhymezone.com even if you don't use the words, it might give you some ideas. works for me sometimes.

01-17-2005, 07:11 PM	#7
--Attaboy_Skip-- I Am The Walrus Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: C'wood, ON Posts: 341	lol yeah i actually use that site sometimes

01-17-2005, 07:13 PM	#8
--Attaboy_Skip-- I Am The Walrus Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: C'wood, ON Posts: 341	is there anyone else to crit?

01-18-2005, 10:14 AM	#11
\|Demosthenes\| Registered User Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 34	hey, good stuff! yah, some of it dident go well with other parts, like: Her voice is mixed with pain and pleasure. I take some time to comtemplate. A picture hangs uopn the wall, Full of mystery. It's an enigma, It's a closed book. dident fit with the rest of it, and I awake from my dream as I hear one final scream And I'm perplexed from what I'd seen. dident go with the rest of the verse... but, i still liked it 8/10

01-18-2005, 10:18 AM	#12
--Attaboy_Skip-- I Am The Walrus Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: C'wood, ON Posts: 341	I really appreciate all of your input, keep it coming. Does anyone have suggestions on how I could change these parts? A crit for me is a crit for you, ya know what I'm sayin' Thanks again, guys.

01-18-2005, 01:29 PM	#13
Mr Benners What IS tune? Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: A little island that doesn't show up on most maps Posts: 588	Ta for my crit. Ok, i quite liked this and I'm not one for the love songs. You make very good use of metaphor and complex imagery. In places yeah it can seem a bit weak, i didnt like the "Happy or mad" bit, the flow wasnt there and although it is used a lot "Happy or sad" works a lot better. Overall 7/10 Nice one

01-18-2005, 03:38 PM	#15
--Attaboy_Skip-- I Am The Walrus Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: C'wood, ON Posts: 341	Thanks for your crits, with your input I'm trying to change my piece according to your suggestions. I agree the 'chorus' is weak so I'll revise it and give it a complete overhaul, since that's the main issue. As well as the last few lines of the 'bridge'. Perhaps another verse should be added? Any thought or would it be long enough already? Again many thanks to all of you.

01-18-2005, 07:07 PM	#16
Sword2020 You know what they say... Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 484	You know, it was pretty good, but just no really my style. Though ti changed around a little, that's fine with me. As long as it fits with the elody, it'll be fine, just not waht I really want to listen to. To each his own, and nice work.

01-18-2005, 07:11 PM	#17
peaveyrules tacos Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 990	I like the way you've written it. Rhyming seems to go together nicely without it sounding to over-done or cheesy, very poetic-nish. I would agree though, the chorus seems....to forward and "in line", but overall I like it.

01-18-2005, 07:30 PM	#18
H to the ickle Viddy well little brother Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jackson, Missouri, United States Posts: 151	I like it. It has a cool narrative-ish feel to it that doesn't appear in many songs. 8/10

01-18-2005, 11:30 PM	#19
estel Nerd Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 211	I have to agree with most of what has been said. The verses containing "happy or mad" seem to be lacking when compared to the other verses. The rest of the song has great imagery and depth to it, then it loses it with those fairly weak stanzas. For the rest of the song (the parts without "happy or sad/mad") The flow is good, and the imagery and metaphor is really good too. All up - 7/10, losing points due to the weaker verses.

01-19-2005, 06:02 AM	#20
campthree02 Registered User Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 108	One half wants the be rescued And the other half wants to stay. One enjoys the moonlight While the other one likes the day. In the embrace of a lover Or playing with sharp razors. I awake from my dream as I hear one final scream And I'm perplexed from what I'd seen. I thought this part was friggin brilliant i liked it overall but this part stood out the most maybe change up the chorus a little bit to be more complex like the rest of the song// Goodjob keep up the good work 8/10