A Sacrifice Gone Wrong

[Baodegoth]

Tell me what you think. have fun

-A Sacrifice Gone Wrong-

While i dance in the fire
I feel the burning lips of death
A kiss to seal our everlasting engagement
Some, masquerade conceptions in concrete masks
I chose to face the wave that pulls us under

I'm flesh and flames
A burning soul - nothing more remains
Inhale me, intertwined, as one we are.

Rituals of insanity
This is just pure blasphemy
A gory dance, where the faceless rule
A fire that purifies
Dirt that stains and roots that feed from earth
The images i saw, only once and nevermore.

Paper gods of a backstage play
Make a wish but don't wish your life away
Still the fire burns so intense and strong
Skin begins to peel and scars appear to prove me wrong
I'm not god and won't last long

I am all flesh and flames
A burning soul - nothing more remains
Inhale me, intertwined, as one we are.

Rituals of insanity
This is just pure blasphemy
A gory dance, where the faceless rule
A fire that purifies
Dirt that stains and roots that feed from earth
The images i saw, only once and nevermore.

Build altars to those who past away
Shrines to protect from decay,

A soul so impure, demons reject
A life raped and to forget
A sacrifice not worth the prays
A failed priest set to end his days.

Dirt that stains and roots that feed from earth
The images i saw, only once and nevermore.

[DoubtingVada]

I ...I love it. I mean, these lines are incredible, imo. This is the kind of writing I aspire toward.

A kiss to seal our everlasting engagement
Some, masquerade conceptions in concrete masks
I chose to face the wave that pulls us under
------------------------------------------------
I'm flesh and flames
-----------------------------------------------
Paper gods of a backstage play
-----------------------------------------------
Skin begins to peel and scars appear to prove me wrong
-----------------------------------------------

These are the lines that made me want to propose marraige on the spot. I don't know whether to be seething with jealousy or madly in love ...

There were lines that didn't grab me, but they aren't even worth mentioning - I wouldn't want you to change anything. I liked the whole thing.
[Gawd, look at me, gushing like I'm a squealing tween at a pop concert, and you're Doug Robb]

I just really liked it, that's all. This is my thing, to the end.

[ALittleDevotional]

^^^ i completely agree, there's not much more that i can add.
perhaps just this line: I'm not god and won't last long needs 1 more syllable in it? i might be wrong, but imo it just reads better with another 'I' in there. but i might be getting that wrong.

I'm flesh and flames
A burning soul - nothing more remains
Inhale me, intertwined, as one we are.

that part just...rules im not sure i can say exaclty why, but you know when a group of lines just makes you go 'ooh..' hehe maybe its just me
but yeah, i like the whole thing, well done.

[Baodegoth]

woooow!! i'm...i..ermm...thanks nichelle! i never really thought this was that good..some cool lines but...THANKS!!!

"This is the kind of writing I aspire toward."<---this was the best compliment anyone could ever give...and i'm flattered(sp) i really am...specially coming from you. thank you.

[Baodegoth]

thank you so much ALittleDevotional i never thought i'd this kind of response. thank you...and i'll take a look at what you're pointing. maybe..."i'm not god and i won't last long"...it's cool...thanks for the tip

[Thechristianslovetheirguns]

well... n axo k teja AXIM tao bom tipo... ha cenas k n kurto mt...

Paper gods of a backstage play
Make a wish but don't wish your life away
Still the fire burns so intense and strong
Skin begins to peel and scars appear to prove me wrong

Build altars to those who past away
Shrines to protect from decay,

A soul so impure, demons reject
A life raped and to forget
A sacrifice not worth the prays
A failed priest set to end his days.

Dirt that stains and roots that feed from earth
The images i saw, only once and nevermore.

these lines are great as well as the chorus... very good

the rest and speccially the fisrt lines i didnt cared much about it


all in all 8.5-9/10

[Baodegoth]

Tass bem! tanx for the crit. appreciated ...anyone else? plzz??

[hotcod32]

well, first of, i simply don't like these kind of songs, i find that often they just make me go "blah"... and i felt a little of that with this...

but having said that... this as a pice of writeing is amazeing in places, and i wish i had the talent and imgashion to come up with some of those lines

[maggotfelon]

I agree with Nichelle.

I like the whole thing man. Not much I can say.

[Baodegoth]

tanx hotcod32 and felon....crits always appreciated. i tryed a more dark yet sofisticated(sp) aproach in this song...i think i did it. ..and you? yes you! what do you think? don't be shy...

[hotcod32]

heh just becuse its not my thing dons't mean i can't apreashate the skill you have, can't wait to read more of your stuff

[Baodegoth]

i got plenty of stuff posted here...if you want to i'll give ya the links...but only if you want to...or you can always wait for the next post... anyway thanks for the crit

[maggotfelon]

hard to say what got my attention
fixed and crazy aphid attractions

[Sloth]

i must be really tirrd

i didn't see anythign

Paper gods of a backstage play
Make a wish but don't wish your life away
Still the fire burns so intense and strong
Skin begins to peel and scars appear to prove me wrong
I'm not god and won't last long

i think this was the only stazna that i was awake for. i liedk it.

i'll read it again whwen i have slept.

[Baodegoth]

i'll read it again whwen i have slept.

tanx...please do sloth. i'll be waiting...so what does everyone else thinks of this?

[Baodegoth]

last bump i'm doing on this one...ppl say what you will!

[feedthegods666]

While i dance in the fire
I feel the burning lips of death
A kiss to seal our everlasting engagement
Some, masquerade conceptions in concrete masks
I chose to face the wave that pulls us under

*wow....i like it a lot! overall, AMAZING intro, really makes you want to read the rest of the song*

I'm flesh and flames
A burning soul - nothing more remains
Inhale me, intertwined, as one we are.

*very cool...i like the rhyming, doesnt seem forced AT ALL! which is good. and i love the last line how it doesnt rhyme, awesome*

Rituals of insanity
This is just pure blasphemy
A gory dance, where the faceless rule
A fire that purifies
Dirt that stains and roots that feed from earth
The images i saw, only once and nevermore.

*i dont like the second line, cuz it kind of rhymes, and kind of doesnt, it should make up its mind. and the last line, doesnt fit with the rest of the song, keep the image, but change the words*

Paper gods of a backstage play
Make a wish but don't wish your life away
Still the fire burns so intense and strong
Skin begins to peel and scars appear to prove me wrong
I'm not god and won't last long

*very great. i'd change the wording of the fourth line, so its shorter in syllable count. but thats just me*

Build altars to those who past away
Shrines to protect from decay,

*great, rhyme kind of seems forced, but i still really like it*

A soul so impure, demons reject
A life raped and to forget
A sacrifice not worth the prays
A failed priest set to end his days.

*awesome, i love it because it has great structure to it, very good*

Dirt that stains and roots that feed from earth
The images i saw, only once and nevermore

*nice closure man*

[Baodegoth]

wow...tanx for the "xtended" crit man!

*very great. i'd change the wording of the fourth line, so its shorter in syllable count. but thats just me*<---yeah i think you're right...i'll work on it. tanx man.