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08-10-2004, 03:36 PM
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#1 |
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\m/_ V _\m/
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 584
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Natural Flavor - About a girl *please critique mine and ill critique urs*
Hi am 13.... this is my 4th lyrics... am french canadian... and i hope you enjoy... It's a blink182ish
Natural Flavor - About a girl 1 Verse I felled in love, looking at the sunrise... when I looked above, I seen your pretty eye's... walking in the street, running and laughing... you where so sweet, they where all talking... LOOKING AT THE SUNRISE Chorus Your hunting me, in my nightmares and dreams... you where at the movie's, I was there - when you heard those screames... I've never been strong enough, to go and talk to you... go out and buying stuff, why are you in my view... 2 Verse Saturday night, you were in music class... and we were pretty tight, we had this pass... to go to the movies, I was next to you... you had these candies, that I handled to you... AND YOU EATED 'EM Chorus Your hunting me, in my nightmares and dreams... you where at the movie's, I was there - when you heard those screames... I've never been strong enough, to go and talk to you... go out and buying stuff, why are you in my view... 3 Verse You said Hello, I was already red... I got all wrong and said Jello, you leaned next my head... and you opened you mouth, I went to bed... thinking of us in the south, AND I FELT ASLEEP Chorus Your hunting me, in my nightmares and dreams... you where at the movie's, I was there - when you heard those screames... I've never been strong enough, to go and talk to you... go out and buying stuff, why are you in my view... 4 Verse The next morning, I found a note... that say's you where leaving, with the picture of a boat... You also left, another picture... I went all wrong, had to get cured... Chorus Your hunting me, in my nightmares and dreams... you where at the movie's, I was there - when you heard those screames... I've never been strong enough, to go and talk to you... go out and buying stuff, why are you in my view... End |
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08-10-2004, 04:33 PM
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#2 |
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...I wish
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Scituate, RI
Posts: 246
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It wasn't bad...maybe a little chorus heavy. My suggestion is to practice the grammar and spelling...a few examples. You where at the movie's, it should be you were at the movies. Instead of I seened you its I saw you.
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08-10-2004, 04:35 PM
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#3 |
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JON DAVIS > EVERYONE ELSE
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: right behind you....TURN AROUND!!!
Posts: 1,601
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1 Verse
I felled in love, looking at the sunrise... when I looked above, I seen your pretty eye's... walking in the street, running and laughing... you where so sweet, they where all talking... LOOKING AT THE SUNRISE *first off, its "fell in love"..felled just sounds bad. and honestly, i really dont like this...at all. its just boring and straightforward and bland, i also cant really feel a rhythm either. sorry man* Chorus Your hunting me, in my nightmares and dreams... you where at the movie's, I was there - when you heard those screames... I've never been strong enough, to go and talk to you... go out and buying stuff, why are you in my view... *it starts out good. the movies bit was clever. but "going out and buying stuff" thats just really crappy. so the chorus starts off good, but dies near the end* 2 Verse Saturday night, you were in music class... and we were pretty tight, we had this pass... to go to the movies, I was next to you... you had these candies, that I handled to you... AND YOU EATED 'EM *man, learn to write properly and use correct grammar. "handed to you" not "handled to you". i like the candles bit, it was pretty good, but beside that, the rhyming sounds childish and crappy, and the lyrics are bland* -Chorus- 3 Verse You said Hello, I was already red... I got all wrong and said Jello, you leaned next my head... and you opened you mouth, I went to bed... thinking of us in the south, AND I FELT ASLEEP *what the fvck is that Jello bit?! thats horrible...sorry. "I fell asleep" not "i felt asleep". once again, the rhyming is terrible and childish...the content is boring and random...sorry man* -Chorus- 4 Verse The next morning, I found a note... that say's you where leaving, with the picture of a boat... You also left, another picture... I went all wrong, had to get cured... *the "boat" rhyme is complete sh1t. it sounds terrible, this is sooo straightforward and bland...man...im sorry* all in all, this is really really sh1tty, im sorry cuz u gave mine an alright crit, but MAN...you really need to buff up on your grammar and spelling first of all. then listen to some Kittie, Nightwish, or Morbid Angel to get inspiration for lyrics. Even Alanis or Sixpencenonthericher, u need some poeticism. |
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08-10-2004, 04:37 PM
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#4 |
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\m/_ V _\m/
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 584
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alright thanks man ill keep up with my 2 other lyrics
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08-10-2004, 11:01 PM
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#5 |
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calm that disturbs you
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 300
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Alright. I see them being a cross between Blink 182 and The Presidents of the United States of America. The first verse is pretty good (as far as the song goes). The chorus is good. The second verse, I'm sorry, but is just kinda crappy, dude. "Eated 'em"? That entire thing needs to be taken out in my opinion. The thing about Jello, I think, is what reminded me of TPOFUSOA. It's humerous. Bus, this song is meant to be taken seriously though, at least I hope not. I don't understand the last verse.
All in all, it's pretty poor. Nothing stood out at all 5/10 |
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08-11-2004, 08:59 AM
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#6 |
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is better than you
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 38
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check your grammar 6.5/10
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