As Leafs Fall

[Baodegoth]

2 nights ago i just had this crazy idea of writing a song/poem in the perspective(sp) of a tree. so i wrote this in 10 minutes or so. i wrote it cuz i thought it was an original idea but when i read what i've writen i was just amazed. i've been going trough some stressing situations lately and all i can thing about is how much i'd like to get away, somewhere where i could be free from everyday life and everyone else. so there's two possible readings here. 1- the world trough a tree's eyes/sick being always in the same place wanting to get away. 2- me wanting to get away from stress, problems and such. i guess that when something's bothering you, you uncousciously(sp) write about it, i really didn't mean for this to have two diferent meanings, it was really random. anyway enough talking and xplaining here it is. have fun. crit plz..i really need help w/ this, don't know if i should just leave it like this or if i have to change anything. suggestions apreciated.

-As Leaves Fall-

Just standing tall
Roots stuck to the ground
My leaves fall
And i witness lifes flow
As leaves fall down.

People passing by
No concerns at all
Some in love, some hating
Some don't seem to have a care in the world
Some seem to have it on their shoulders.

Too many stories, laid beneath me
Too many lifes that have passed, and i'm still here
Oh how i wish i could be like them
I'd give up all these years and i'd dry these roots
For a day, just a day free from everyone.

I'm tired, tired of being pissed on
Don't want to hear more lies
From boys trying to jump on girls,
My years are made of others secrets
If i could talk, i'd take so many people down.

I stretch the branches, noises of cracking bones
leaves start to fall again
Why can't this cycle have an end?

And i see my concrete enemies rising
My roots stop drinking, leafs start shaking
But i don't find it surprising.

Just standing tall
Roots stuck to the ground
My leaves fall
And i witness lifes flow
As leaves fall down.


so ppl what do you think?

[casual]

I really like it, both the concept and the execution. But I think it would flow a lot better if you said "leaves"; the incorrect plural really jars even if it's deliberate.

"I'm tired of being pissed on" sounded out of place until I realized it was meant literally, then I had to admit it made sense in context.

[Kif]

Leaves is the correct punctuation

I liked the song, some nice imagery there, and the rhyming was well done too

[Pirate Satellite]

"I'm tired of being pissed on" is really the weakest line in it.

However, it's a good idea and I think it's pretty clever. I like:

Leafs start to fall again
Why can't this cycle have an end?

The best. Nice job, bro.

[Merkaba]

yea....

Leaves

[Rufio81]

I reall like the whole tree's perspective. This is good.

[Thechristianslovetheirguns]

botanical poetry lol...

now serious... very original and imaginative now i don't know how to say in english so... o quarto quinteto ta menos bom mas o resto ta mt bom especialmente o 1º... kurti mt

9/10

[Baodegoth]

1st. tanx to everyone who crited i apreciate it. yes it's leaves i just wanted to see how leafs would work. now about these lines "I'm tired, tired of being pissed on/Don't want to hear more lies/From boys trying to jump on girls" i know it's weak it's too straightforward and it doens't seem to fit with the rest. now just imagine you're a tree dogs piss on you, and couples like to lie down under a tree to talk and the boys lie to impress(sp) the girls. there's really nothing to it just trying to imagine a tree, knowing everyone else's secrets and stuff. anyway tanx for the crits guys.
lol n sabes dizer em ingles..ta certo. tass bem.

[factor46]

nicely written. i liked it. i too am not fond of the "being pissed on...." line. but other than that, its a good song. i dont really know what to say. it's cool. 8/10


could you crit mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=221440
-thanks

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http://factor46.tripod.com

[Baodegoth]

^just did! tanx. i'm thinking of maybe taking out those lines...from the 4th stanza.

[theredwonder]

i really like it... but i think you should rework it. not that this is bad, its pretty good. but it could be fcukin amazin! honestly, it could be wonderous. what i reckon you should do is just brainstorm, think of all the things a tree would see. you have some of these in there, like -

My years are made of others secrets
If i could talk, i'd take so many people down.

it could be a monster song. at the mo 8/10... could be a masterpiece 10/10

[cerbius2]

dude that sound gud...you shud keep up with the writing...well put together and well said....the funny part is i had the same idea of a tree in a song...but dont worry i hav a completely diferent image...9.5/10...cheers...critique mine if u get the time...http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=220361

[feedthegods666]

first off, ill also say "LEAVES"...damit...
as for the crit

Just standing tall
Roots stuck to the ground
My leafs fall
And i witness lifes flow
As leafs fall down.

*this is alright, i personally dont like it though. "lives" "leaves", the spelling drives me insane*

People passing by
No concerns at all
Some in love, some hating
Some don't seem to have a care in the world
Some seem to have it on their shoulders.

*this is pretty straightforward, but i like it, very simple, but very relatable*

Too many stories, laid beneath me
Too many lifes that have passed, and i'm still here
Oh how i wish i could be like them
I'd give up all these years and i'd dry these roots
For a day, just a day free from everyone.

*wow, much improved from your first two. i dont like "Oh how i wish i could be like them" just because it doesnt seem to fit and i dont like Oh's in songs*

I'm tired, tired of being pissed on
Don't want to hear more lies
From boys trying to jump on girls,
My years are made of others secrets
If i could talk, i'd take so many people down.

*starts out good, but then the "boys on girls" line kills it. i like the line after that, then it dies again. id personally restructure this stanza*

I stretch the branches, noises of cracking bones
Leafs start to fall again
Why can't this cycle have an end?

*ME GUSTA! your strongest stanza indeed*

And i see my concrete enemies rising
My roots stop drinking, leafs start shaking
But i don't find it surprising.

*once again, very nice, i dont like the last line, personally i'd just keep the two*

Just standing tall
Roots stuck to the ground
My leafs fall
And i witness lifes flow
As leafs fall down.

*i like how you ended with the beginning, cool effect*

-all in all it was pretty good, work on the grammar and spelling, and if you find any lines out of place...just take them out, a short and sweet song is better than long and boring

[Merkaba]

how about "At Leaf Fall"

like night fall.
that way, you still get to use the word Leaf. which , come to think of it, sounds cool . but leafs doesnt. hehe

[Baodegoth]

at leaf fall...yeah that seems cool. thanks man.

and btw i apreciate all the input from all of the above. thank y'all very much.

i'll see what i can do to improve this cuz it isn't finished yet. much love


anyone else?

[phatredge]

Originally Posted by Merkaba-1

but leafs doesnt. hehe

thats cos its leaves

[Thevermiciousknid]

Very goodness! For myself, a tad to straight forward, but that's just my style and yours is your own (obviously). I can't say much else, other than what feedthegods has pointed out, follow his ideas and you will be well on your way to not spelling leaves wrong...!

[Baodegoth]

^lol...I KNOW "LEAFS" IS SPELLED WRONG! anyway..tanx for the crit, i'm ussualy NOT too straightforward but i guess this...wait i don't think this is...ahhh what the hell fvck it. tanx anyway.

[maggotfelon]

7/10... I don't wanna say anything else because it's not really something I'd usually care for but I still loved it.

[BassPlayinChiaPet]

i liked the tree perspective idea, though the "i'm tired of being pissed on" line wasn't my favorite. didn't really detract from the lyrics though, overall 8/10, nice work