New poem, untitled

[Baodegoth]

OK so i did this 2 or 3 days ago it as no title as of yet..i'm still working on it. try to figure out what's it about. let me give ya'll a 'lil tip...it ain't emo, and i'm not pissed off at a girl. it has a bit more depth to it[or at least i like to think that way]. so here it is my new poem[it could also be a song...], have fun, crit it if you want to!.. (mhsbs)

-------

I'm tired of hearing my own voice
I can hear the wind picking up the sounds
And it's taking them away
You just won't listen,
I have no more words
I've used them all questioning you
But you don't answer
Your voice is muted, your weapon is muffled,
I quit.

Now i only use my mouth to chew on suffer
I use my hands to smother hope
Some say words are like a dagger, that hurts and kills
Some say they're like chains, that imprision us
I say the same about your silence.

Why won't you just look at me?

This is the blood no sword has tasted
This is the soul no one has possessed
This is the life no god has taken
This is me!

So we walk down this road
(Some might call it life)
Alone, only me as company
It's just us two,
With a silence so loud it can be heard
I wish you'd talk
I renounce you.

All in all you know the truth:
I am what you seem to be
Inspired by what you see in me.

[pixiesfanyo]

I liked it alot..Some really nice poetry..I give it an 7.9/10

[Baodegoth]

hey tanx!

[factor46]

"This is the blood no sword has tasted"

...that line is really cool.

this song is nicely written. yes, i said song...just because it seems more like one. lol. anyways, i liked the descriptiveness of the words the most. 8/10.


could you crit mine, if its not too much trouble?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=209183
-thanks.

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http://factor46.tripod.com

[Baodegoth]

thank you, thank you, thankyouthankyouthankyou....thank you! n he 1?

[DoubtingVada]

I like this. 8.9/10
Is this a helpful crit, or what?

[mshort813]

hey i really liked this. it flowed pretty well and some lines were great (This is the blood no sword has tasted) and some didnt work as well for me (Now i only use my mouth to chew on suffer). i really like the last line of the first verse(i quit). i dont know why, it just seemed cool to me and it would be a good transition to the chorus. great job. 8.5/10

[Maggotfelon420]

9.5/10


sorry that's all I have to say about this.

[Baodegoth]

tanx to all for the input.

ok since no one is trying to figure this out, i'll tell you what this is about...this is me having a dialogue(sp) w/ god, but while my "weapon" is my voice his "weapon" is his silence. after trying to get answers to my questions i quit and i renounce Him and end up silent like him. but in the end we're all the same. i am my own god i have my own answers.

hope it helped.now go read that sh.it again and see the meaning behind the words....or you can just not give a fvck...it's up to you.

[gottiagoreallybad]

This is the blood no sword has tasted
This is the soul no one has possessed
This is the life no god has taken
This is me!

Can we say mettalica. Really nice poem.

[bassaholica2004]

Originally Posted by Baodegoth

OK so i did this 2 or 3 days ago it as no title as of yet..i'm still working on it. try to figure out what's it about. let me give ya'll a 'lil tip...it ain't emo, and i'm not pissed off at a girl. it has a bit more depth to it[or at least i like to think that way]. so here it is my new poem[it could also be a song...], have fun, crit it if you want to!.. (mhsbs)

-------

I'm tired of hearing my own voice
I can hear the wind picking up the sounds
And it's taking them away
You just won't listen,
I have no more words
I've used them all questioning you
But you don't answer
Your voice is muted, your weapon is muffled,
I quit.
I like this first part. Especially the ...no more words... part.

Now i only use my mouth to chew on suffer
I use my hands to smother hope
Some say words are like a dagger, that hurts and kills
Some say they're like chains, that imprision us
I say the same about your silence.
This is good, but the first line is kinda wierd. I can see how you want it tho, I think. I really like the last 2 lines.

Why won't you just look at me?

This is the blood no sword has tasted
This is the soul no one has possessed
This is the life no god has taken
This is me!
This is really good, except I'm not feeling the last line. It could work, but I think it should be longer, to fit.

So we walk down this road
(Some might call it life)
Alone, only me as company
It's just us two,
With a silence so loud it can be heard
I wish you'd talk
I renounce you.
This part is good. To me, I think this song is about a conflict within yourself. This part really shows that.

All in all you know the truth:
I am what you seem to be
Inspired by what you see in me.

This is a really good poem/song. It could definetely work as a song. Not much to change, and worded well. 8/10

[Baodegoth]

thank y'all!

[theredwonder]

this is sum really gud poetic work. i really like the second verse. sry this aint too long bt im in a bit of a rush. solid 8/10. keep it up

[Baodegoth]

tanx!