Stalker Of The Sun, Crits Please

Bozz · 03-15-2004, 03:30 PM

a quick little thing i wrote, opinions and crits please! thanks alot! not sure how i feel about the chorus except that i really like the Stalker of the Moon and that that line is essential to the song. tell me what ya think! ps its for sure a heavy metal, hard rock sorta song id say

title:Stalker of The Moon
status: finished i think
lyrics-

It brings brightness
it brings pain
here it comes again
-marker of the day-

Stalker of the Moon
few steps behind
ready for the kill
here comes the light

White Fire
burning deep
it tortures the soul
-killer of the night-

Stalker of the Moon
few steps behind
ready for the kill
here comes the light

In its shadow
darkness pales
running from its fingers
-destroyer of the stars-

Stalker of the Moon
few steps behind
ready for the kill
here comes the light

© 2004 M.G.Trozzo

ps. i know the title of the thread is Stalker of The Sun, oops its meant to be Stalker of the Moon..... hehe..

crit my other stuff if ya please-

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=162067 (Evil Behavior)

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=163465 (Happy As Happy)

Bozz · 03-15-2004, 04:10 PM

im ^bumping^ cause im out for now and hoping someone will crit by the time i check tommorow! thanks laterz!

Bozz · 03-16-2004, 10:48 AM

well ****, a whole day gone by, 30 views, and not one single reply. ^bump^

Nefarious · 03-16-2004, 12:23 PM

First off, why are the -'s there?

Anyways, I like it. I don't really get what most of the content is about, but that could just be me. But it flows nicely and "Stalker of the moon" sounds good. You're definetly onto something.

Keep writing.

I give this song a 6/10 cause I don't really get what the song is about. I'd love to hear what exactly you're trying to tell through the song.

Leaves · 03-16-2004, 12:33 PM

I definitely feel the heavy metal vibe. It feels sort of like "Of Wolf and Man" by Metallica to me. I'm not a big metal guy, so the content doesn't really appeal to me, but I think the flow is decent.

Bozz · 03-16-2004, 12:45 PM

thanks guys, basically the whole song is about the Sun. you know it stalks the moon around the sky (or vice versa depending on your point of view), when it comes up the stars are gone. basically i like night time more then day lol and i took that feeling to the extreme here. Saying that it actually brings pain and torture along with it. i dunno thought it was cool

. thanks for your crits! more please?

p.s. the -'s are supposed to set that last line apart from the rest, its like the other lines are together and then the last line sorta apart... i dunno how to explain it.. but it sounds cool

TCsmartie · 03-16-2004, 02:39 PM

I love the idea. Its cool that you are writing about something else other than pain, love, anguish etc. To write a song like that, that can mean anything, that can almost relate to anything, but also have a real theme is great. Well done. I love it.

antihero · 03-18-2004, 10:41 AM

I didn't liked it.. Can't get the good flewance in my head.. srry 5/10

stonedoncalpol · 03-18-2004, 03:02 PM

jeje i like the subject matter. ooh i want to write a stange song now...about sheep! thats it im off to write a song about sheep! i liked it, and thanks for influencing me.

LOU - SYNDICATE · 03-18-2004, 05:13 PM

hmmmm, the subject like u say is gud and nicely different but i cant seem to feel the rythm its not flowing in my head, keeps coming up too short or too long, maybe its just me

Sloth · 03-19-2004, 04:25 PM

i liked it pretty good...the first and third stanzas were my fav part

Music rockS · 03-19-2004, 04:57 PM

I though it was good, and yeah, I can see it being a metal song. The only thing I don't like is the last 2 lines of the chorus. To me it just seems weird becaus ehte song sounds really dark and then it seems out of place the 'here comes the light'. But other than that, it was good.

03-15-2004, 03:30 PM	#1
Bozz Lose Yourself Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 89	Stalker Of The Moon, Crits Please a quick little thing i wrote, opinions and crits please! thanks alot! not sure how i feel about the chorus except that i really like the Stalker of the Moon and that that line is essential to the song. tell me what ya think! ps its for sure a heavy metal, hard rock sorta song id say title:Stalker of The Moon status: finished i think lyrics- It brings brightness it brings pain here it comes again -marker of the day- Stalker of the Moon few steps behind ready for the kill here comes the light White Fire burning deep it tortures the soul -killer of the night- Stalker of the Moon few steps behind ready for the kill here comes the light In its shadow darkness pales running from its fingers -destroyer of the stars- Stalker of the Moon few steps behind ready for the kill here comes the light © 2004 M.G.Trozzo ps. i know the title of the thread is Stalker of The Sun, oops its meant to be Stalker of the Moon..... hehe.. crit my other stuff if ya please- http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=162067 (Evil Behavior) http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=163465 (Happy As Happy) Last edited by Bozz; 03-17-2004 at 03:57 PM. Reason: titled it wrong

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03-15-2004, 04:10 PM	#2
Bozz Lose Yourself Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 89	im ^bumping^ cause im out for now and hoping someone will crit by the time i check tommorow! thanks laterz!

03-16-2004, 10:48 AM	#3
Bozz Lose Yourself Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 89	well ****, a whole day gone by, 30 views, and not one single reply. ^bump^

03-16-2004, 12:23 PM	#4
Nefarious cute poison Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 35	First off, why are the -'s there? Anyways, I like it. I don't really get what most of the content is about, but that could just be me. But it flows nicely and "Stalker of the moon" sounds good. You're definetly onto something. Keep writing. I give this song a 6/10 cause I don't really get what the song is about. I'd love to hear what exactly you're trying to tell through the song.

03-16-2004, 12:33 PM	#5
Leaves ain't lettin' it get me Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: SE Minnesota Posts: 449	I definitely feel the heavy metal vibe. It feels sort of like "Of Wolf and Man" by Metallica to me. I'm not a big metal guy, so the content doesn't really appeal to me, but I think the flow is decent.

03-16-2004, 12:45 PM	#6
Bozz Lose Yourself Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 89	thanks guys, basically the whole song is about the Sun. you know it stalks the moon around the sky (or vice versa depending on your point of view), when it comes up the stars are gone. basically i like night time more then day lol and i took that feeling to the extreme here. Saying that it actually brings pain and torture along with it. i dunno thought it was cool . thanks for your crits! more please? p.s. the -'s are supposed to set that last line apart from the rest, its like the other lines are together and then the last line sorta apart... i dunno how to explain it.. but it sounds cool

03-16-2004, 02:39 PM	#7
TCsmartie \|-Only Me-\| Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 176	I love the idea. Its cool that you are writing about something else other than pain, love, anguish etc. To write a song like that, that can mean anything, that can almost relate to anything, but also have a real theme is great. Well done. I love it.

03-18-2004, 10:41 AM	#8
antihero Registered User Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: belgium Posts: 51	I didn't liked it.. Can't get the good flewance in my head.. srry 5/10

03-18-2004, 03:02 PM	#9
stonedoncalpol Registered User Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 78	jeje i like the subject matter. ooh i want to write a stange song now...about sheep! thats it im off to write a song about sheep! i liked it, and thanks for influencing me.

03-18-2004, 05:13 PM	#10
LOU - SYNDICATE Registered User Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 8	hmmmm, the subject like u say is gud and nicely different but i cant seem to feel the rythm its not flowing in my head, keeps coming up too short or too long, maybe its just me

03-19-2004, 04:25 PM	#11
Sloth I steal sh.i.t Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,530	i liked it pretty good...the first and third stanzas were my fav part

03-19-2004, 04:57 PM	#12
Music rockS Stone Magnet Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 4,090	I though it was good, and yeah, I can see it being a metal song. The only thing I don't like is the last 2 lines of the chorus. To me it just seems weird becaus ehte song sounds really dark and then it seems out of place the 'here comes the light'. But other than that, it was good.