Evil Behavior

[Bozz]

So short little thing i wrote just while in school, wouldnt have posted it cept i was totally bored, go ahead and crit! thanks for your patience lol



Turn away the sun
open up my eyes
as i lay among the stars
feel the pain of a thousand different skies

look among the hate
trying deep inside
the gates of heaven lock me out
fall back and cry

this is the end
but only a beginning
of a world fast thining
hear angels singing
as sinners shout
the devil is about

down and down i fall
passing dirt and rock
feel the drop
as i land before him

a lifetime of wrongs
a lifetime of hate
come back face my fate
forever to suffer forever too late

beyond redemption
beyond the savior
beyond redemption

evil was my behavior
and now its my end
fall down never to begin again
fall down never to begin again

© 2004 M.G.Trozzo

crit my other stuff if ya please-

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=163465 (Happy As Happy)

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=163690 (Stalker Of The Moon)

[Forever And After]

A friend of mine has latley been getting interested in metal, or power-metal. Im not exactly sure what it is called. This song seems to be perfect for that genre. Im not interested in that type of music, though I could see this song being sung by Iron Madan and actually enjoying it. Now, as far as the lyrics and topic. I think that the topic of the song is interesting. Not being exepted into heaven and falling down to hell only to finally understand then that it was too late. "forever to suffer forever too late". The only thing I did not understand was the final verse:

"evil was my behavior
and now its my end
fall down begin again
fall down begin again"

The first two lines of this make sense and are good. Though fall down begin again does not make sense. Im not sure what you ment by these lines. Perhaps something along the lines of "Fall down not to be forgiven". All and all its a good song.

[Bozz]

thanks for the comment and ur end to the song is better considering i just couldnt think of anything for the last two lines lol! thanks alot for ur crit! but i think ill change it to, fall down never to begin again.. hows that?

[Bozz]

^bump^

[Forever And After]

That sounds good

[Bozz]

cool thanks!

[Bozz]

no more crits ?

[_-_Twizt_-_]

That's really good, kinda reminds me of..... what was it agian? lol Ahh i forgot XD maby i'll come up with it later anyway great lyrics 9/10

[Bozz]

thanks!

[Pete]

Turn away the sun
open up your eyes
as i lay among the stars
feel the pain of a thousand different skies

The first two lines are really cool... But you change from "you" to "me"? Who are you talking about? Or are there two people ("me" and "you") involved?

look among the hate
trying deep inside
the gates of heaven lock me out
fall back and cry

'Trying' to do what 'deep inside'? Also, who's supposed to fall back and cry? Consider making that clearer.

this is the end
but only a beginning
of a world fast thining
hear angels singing
as sinners shout
the devil is about

Whoa... Are you christian? This has kind of a doomsday feel to it, it's good!

down and down i fall
passing dirt and rock
feel the drop
as i land before him

Him? Satan? The first two lines work really well together.

a lifetime of wrongs
a lifetime of hate
come back face my fate
forever to suffer forever too late

Meh, nothing I can complain about here. It's pretty chliché, but the repetition of "a lifetime" is pretty cool.

beyond redemption
beyond the savior
beyond redemption

Repetition again - I guess this could be appealing to a believer, and I think I get what you're getting at. I just don't think that way, but it's okay. In other words - I would've chosen different words.

evil was my behavior
and now its my end
fall down never to begin again
fall down never to begin again

I think the wording in the first line is pretty awkward, i like it when the adjectives are at the end of the sentence... But all in all, it's pretty cool.

Hmm... It's a theme, and a message, I have lots of opinions on... I take it you're a christian, and this a story about going to Hell. It's pretty good, a little bland and nothing that really stands out, but it's good anyway.
5.5/10

If anyone wants to crit me;
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2802092

[Bozz]

thanks, good comments and the first really good crit ive gotten! yeah so am a christian, but wasnt really trying to bring a message about the religion across, just writing on a sinners view of things the way i'd see it i guess . thanks alot

[K-Carlsen]

Turn away the sun
open up your eyes
as i lay among the stars
feel the pain of a thousand different skies

Nice start but the last line totally threw me off. Where is the pain in thousand different skies? I don't get it. "Turn away the sun, open up your eyes" was a good line though.

look among the hate
trying deep inside
the gates of heaven lock me out
fall back and cry

This sounds kind of strange.

this is the end
but only a beginning
of a world fast thining
hear angels singing
as sinners shout
the devil is about

Liked this. Very heavy metal.

down and down i fall
passing dirt and rock
feel the drop
as i land before him

Shouldn't it be dirt and rocks? I don't like the 3rd line here. Sounds kinda strange.

a lifetime of wrongs
a lifetime of hate
come back face my fate
forever to suffer forever too late

My favorite part. This is actually very good

beyond redemption
beyond the savior
beyond redemption

evil was my behavior
and now its my end
fall down never to begin again
fall down never to begin again

Good ending. I liked your song. There are some things to work on still. But as your first lyric it's very good.

I'll be intrested to see how you progress.

Keep up

[kerazay]

This rocks man. Nothing else I can think of to say!

[Bozz]

wow , **** totally happy u guys liked it, thanks alot!

Awsome Lyrics man.. 9.5/10

[antihero]

i also loved it man.. Keep on doing like this..

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Turn away the sun
open up your eyes
as i lay among the stars
feel the pain of a thousand different skies

I'm not convinced about the "different." It would seem more rhythmically correct without it...

look among the
trying deep inside
the gates of heaven lock me out
fall back and cry

Is that "I fall back and cry"? Presuming that it is, some little unconscious niggle inside my head doesn't like using the word "cry" when referring to oneself. It just seems a bit self-pitying to me.

this is the end
but only a beginning
of a world fast thining
hear angels singing
as sinners shout
the is about

All good here, except the last line. The rhyming scheme could be quite fantastic, if you could cut the last line (obviously you would need to alter the "sinners" line. But the line "the is about" doesn't sit well with me. It just seems too... uh... conservative or something.

down and down i fall
passing dirt and rock
feel the drop
as i land before him

(Applauds ecstatically) Please tell me this is your chorus... Please.

a lifetime of wrongs
a lifetime of
come back face my fate
forever to suffer, forever too late

Ok, this is good, but I'm getting too much "ate." Here's my suggestion. Change the second to last line to something that doesn't rhyme with any "ate" and keep the last line. I've used that pattern and it sounds mighty fine.

beyond redemption
beyond the savior
beyond redemption
evil was my behavior
and now its my end
fall down never to begin again
fall down never to begin again

Ah, the "evil was my behaviour" is a forced rhyme, and it sounds a wee bit putang. Then again, it could just be that I using the word "behaviour" in a song.

Overall, very good. Most of the points I made could be overlooked, and the song would still be great, but some of them are valid. Good stuff...

[TCsmartie]

I really love this verse:
"this is the end
but only a beginning
of a world fast thining
hear angels singing
as sinners shout
the devil is about"

I'm not sure why but i thinkits the rhyming. It just conjures up a lot of stuff i guess. Good job. I agree its pretty heavy, but good. Well Done! :-)

[Learn2beme]

i like... i like......congrats good lyrics i like the style and th e word choice....8/10

[UnderDawg]

Love the idea and the theme. Great song.