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08-13-2004, 06:25 AM
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#1 |
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...to find my place
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: New York -ish
Posts: 82
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First Song I've Posted- Please Crit
-Verse-
Knife clenched tightly in my fist Pills are waiting, i cant resist And now im back, back to old habits You want my heart, then you can have it -Bridge- And i'll lye here until you crave me (save me) Sit and wait for my savior Fall back into the madness (I'VE HAD IT) My neurotic behavior -Chorus- Fixation, ****ation My Consequences for falling in love, (was i wrong?) Mutilation, Annihilation The effects of your total disdain thereof -Verse- Go ahead, Ignore the dysfunction Save your regret for the reconstruction Of your life, When I've had all I can take When I'm gone, It will be your mistake -Bridge 2- I'll find a way to ****ing hate you (break you) I won't take this any farther The only way is to forget you (regret you) Coz i cant take you any longer -Chorus 2- Obsession, Repression My heart decays in your negligent hands I've learned my lesson You don't deserve a ****ing chance I suppose i cant expect The source of the problem To be the solution... |
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08-13-2004, 06:55 AM
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#2 |
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Jello&Graffins Love Child
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Merredin, Australia
Posts: 742
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this is really good man, the verses are really well done and the rhyming isnt forced and the wording is intelectual without going overboard youve found a great balance. although quite straight forward it suits the theme of the songs nicely. my only bitch is that the chorus lacks that extra something that the verse contains. I dunno the chorus just looks to need some work, it doenst really have any structure
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08-13-2004, 07:11 AM
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#3 |
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...to find my place
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: New York -ish
Posts: 82
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THANK YOU For Replying
thanks a lot, i really appreciate it, ive been waiting forever for someone to read. You're right, the chorus does need some work, i just kinda wrote that as i was posting the song... by the way, im not a man, i dunno if u meant it like that lol Thanks again
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08-13-2004, 08:01 AM
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#4 |
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Go Deeper In the Depths
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 26
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Although its not my style, I like it tho. It seems to flow it a lot of spots but some spots could use some work. I think overall its really good. Some work on the chorus and maybe the bridge would make it overall a lot better. Nice job!
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08-13-2004, 08:05 AM
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#5 |
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...to find my place
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: New York -ish
Posts: 82
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Thanks
By the way if anyone wants me to crit anything while Im not on the site, just IM me on AIM: CaptainHowdy257 , i'm always up for readin new lyrics. Keep the replies coming. Thanks |
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08-13-2004, 09:10 AM
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#6 |
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JON DAVIS > EVERYONE ELSE
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: right behind you....TURN AROUND!!!
Posts: 1,601
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hhhheeerrreeewwweeeggggoooo
-Verse- Knife clenched tightly in my fist Pills are waiting, i cant resist And now im back, back to old habits You want my heart, then you can have it *pretty cool indeed. sounds like a lot of the stuff i write. i dont really like the repeating of "back" in the third line. change it to returned so you'll stil have the same amount of syllables* -Bridge- And i'll lye here until you crave me (save me) Sit and wait for my savior Fall back into the madness (I'VE HAD IT) My neurotic behavior *wow, i like this a lot. i especially like the rhyming in parenthesis* -Chorus- Fixation, ****ation My Consequences for falling in love, (was i wrong?) Mutilation, Annihilation The effects of your total disdain thereof *sounds like that SlipKnot song "Discarded! Retarded!" i love that song i also love this, very nice work* -Verse- Go ahead, Ignore the dysfunction Save your regret for the reconstruction Of your life, When I've had all I can take When I'm gone, It will be your mistake *man, i like it. its a little bit on the short end the way im singing it. but it might be just fine the way you want it sung* -Bridge 2- I'll find a way to ****ing hate you (break you) I won't take this any farther The only way is to forget you (regret you) Coz i cant take you any longer *i dont like this as much as your first bridge. i dont like the cuss in this one. i dont mind swears, but use em a lot rather than just once* -Chorus 2- Obsession, Repression My heart decays in your negligent hands I've learned my lesson You don't deserve a ****ing chance *once again, GOOD, except for the cuss* I suppose i cant expect The source of the problem To be the solution... *nice conclusion* -GOOD! VERY GOOD! i really like it. definitely reminds me of SlipKnot, good thing. a little bit on the short end, but thats just me. overall, great work* ...this cant possibly be the first song you wrote though...right? |
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08-13-2004, 09:13 AM
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#7 |
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Lisbon, PORTUGAL
Posts: 638
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it's all very good xcept the first two lines. i mean they have good flow, wording etc..but i'm tired of that topic(don't get me wrong i also write about sliting wrists and taking pills) but i had enough of that(there's not many ppl who write about it and still sounds poetic)...but those lines in terms of flow and all taht stuff are good. anyway...i think the rest of the song really gets better..good flow, good rhyming..all in all 7.5/10. (sorry for the shi.tty crit)
 ----------------------------- could you crit? thank you: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=218180 <--if you want suicide this is it. and/or http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=215220 <--if you want "abstract" words (lol) then this is the place. thanks in advance Last edited by Baodegoth; 08-13-2004 at 09:15 AM. |
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08-13-2004, 09:15 AM
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#8 |
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...to find my place
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: New York -ish
Posts: 82
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Wow thanks a lot
actually its funny u should say that about that slipknot song, cuz i was listening to that CD for hours last night and i wrote this song this morning. And no its not exactly my first song, but the first one ive relaly liked. Thanks for reading
I really appreciate it. |
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08-13-2004, 03:29 PM
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#9 |
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...to find my place
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: New York -ish
Posts: 82
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baodegoth
sry, i didnt see ur crit before when i replied to feedthegods666, but i just read it when i got home, and i think you're right, and i read both the ones u gave me links to, and commented on the second one. Thanx for being honest
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08-13-2004, 04:10 PM
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#10 |
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For Comfort, For Solace
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 294
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Pretty tight song ya got there buddy. Like said before its been done, but hasn't every thing, i mean its not our faults we werent born earlier so we could write the stuff first. Its putting your own style to it that makes this work. Good job even though im not big on self mutalation type kinda songs but i gotta be open minded in this forum. Good solid effort but a 7.86/10 If you would be so kind as to check out my song i would gladly appreciate it. Its called Etch-A-Sketch, thanx.
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08-13-2004, 04:19 PM
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#11 |
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Fairies Wear Boots
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 801
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i really wouldn't touch it..it;s amazing, im a tad envious
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08-13-2004, 08:12 PM
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#12 |
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...to find my place
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: New York -ish
Posts: 82
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thanks a lot guys. i feel like sometimes the more i read a song the more i lose intersest in it, so your compliments help me feel more confident about my writing, and your honest crits help me improve it. I really appreciate it, keep em comin', i'll be soon to write another. I was just gonna write another tonight but im too tired from the two hours of sleep last night do to work on this song. THanks again everyone
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08-13-2004, 09:32 PM
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#13 | |
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Lisbon, PORTUGAL
Posts: 638
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Quote:
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08-13-2004, 10:31 PM
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#14 |
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Baby Want A Bottle?
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sex me up
Posts: 1,561
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Wow,Noting really to add on man,awesome job here,i agree with people above.Rock solid 8.5/10
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08-14-2004, 02:18 PM
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#15 | |
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...to find my place
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: New York -ish
Posts: 82
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Quote:
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08-14-2004, 02:28 PM
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#16 |
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Talk Nerdy To Me
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: St. Louis, Mo, USA
Posts: 309
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Whoa. Yea, i didnt think this was your first lol. This is f*ckin unbelievable, great job.
Obsession, Repression My heart decays in your negligent hands I've learned my lesson You don't deserve a ****ing chance <-- very cools. Maybe Subsitute the cursing, since it doesnt exactly sound right. The way I'm singing it, everything sounds really good though. I wasnt putting it to slipknot though, more a three days grace/trapt ect ect sound... anyways, great job, post some more |
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08-14-2004, 02:31 PM
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#17 | |
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rock et le roll
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Where you live
Posts: 416
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Quote:
*realises he says this alot because he is a crap writer* |
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08-15-2004, 05:22 PM
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#18 |
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I want to be Trent Reznor
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Stairway To Heaven
Posts: 787
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Okey dokey... Here we go.
Knife clenched tightly in my fist Pills are waiting, i cant resist And now im back, back to old habits You want my heart, then you can have it Very good. Nothing to change here. And i'll lye here until you crave me (save me) Sit and wait for my savior Fall back into the madness (I'VE HAD IT) My neurotic behavior Loved the first, second, and third lines. Last line I didn't like because I don't like talking about myself in a song in a way I wouldn't talk about myself in real life, if you understand... I don't know - just my opinion. Go ahead, Ignore the dysfunction Save your regret for the reconstruction Of your life, When I've had all I can take When I'm gone, It will be your mistake Ok, here's something I'm guilty of as well... Running lines on to the next. It kinda breaks it up a bit, after you've had all these stand-alone phrases, and then you carry it on... I'll find a way to ****ing hate you (break you) I won't take this any farther The only way is to forget you (regret you) Coz i cant take you any longer Generally, I try to steer clear of swearing in songs for the simple fact of having a wider market if I make it big (I'm one switched on 17 year old, right? lol). Of course, if you're a metaller, your market decreases if you don't swear so whatever... Obsession, Repression My heart decays in your negligent hands I've learned my lesson You don't deserve a ****ing chance Very cool, bar the swearing again... I suppose i cant expect The source of the problem To be the solution... Brilliant way to end the song... No problems here. Overall, very good. Not much work needs doing before you can have yourself a real cracker of a song... 8.5/10 |
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08-15-2004, 05:26 PM
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#19 |
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Livin la VIDA loca...
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Where You Want To Be
Posts: 132
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this is pretty good. Very dark and violent lyrics. I like!
 great job man 8/10 |
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