Across the Line. just written, PLEAZ CRIT

[trying]

Just came up with this off the top of my head, seriously took me about ten minutes, so I'm open to any kind of criticism, i just needed to write. I know it might not be so good, but i like the idea. Tell me what you think.

Im borderline, I'll cross the line
But this feeling ain't no stranger
A touch too content with suicide
But afraid to face the danger,
The hazard for the rest of you
Couldnt care less about myself
But would it get the best of you
Sometimes we all need a little help

If i could just manage to
Turn my hatred towards the outside
Oh this would be so much easier
For the both of us, to subside

Give me a reason, Just tell me why
I can't fill this black whole in my chest
Give me a reason, Tell me a lie
I tried to fix this, just let me rest
...in peace

gimme piece of mind
i got left behind
and theres no way in hell
i'll catch up now
Let me slip, let me slip
into lasting tranquility
Oh i need the rest,
i just need to rest
...in peace

Oh honey, please dont turn around
I can already see your face
I thought you said you didnt care
Now im lost without a trace
And there's tears in your eyes
Like there were in mine,
for every time i thought of you
I've gone too far this time

I was borderline, but I've crossed the line
And there's no turning back from the truth
But my tired eyes can't handle the sights
Of ironic conclusions, and what's left of you

[Gorilla726]

Yeah, I like the idea. All it needs is a little work to help it flow and it should be awesome! Good luck, and good work so far!

Gorilla

[trying]

Well i thank you, Mr. ONLY PERSON WHO REPLIED. What the funk? i've had this up since i wrote it last night, ive seen shyt get crits in like ten seconds. Do you people have some kind of sick hatred towards me and my unfortunately meager amount of patience? SOMEONE CRIT THIS

[bobbass4k]

Really good dude, good lyrics, good rhyming, very good song!

9/10

KEEP WRITING!

[Bexi]

The hazard for the rest of you
Couldnt care less about myself-- Extremely good, i thought it was almost schizophrenic in panic...awesome...

gimme piece of mind
i got left behind
and theres no way in hell
i'll catch up now
Let me slip, let me slip
into lasting tranquility
Oh i need the rest,
i just need to rest
...in peace--i think this gives a great sense of exasperation, liked that

wasn't sooo keen on the oh hney bit..but in all honesty it wasn't bad , just not as impressive as teh rest

lol i just did teh same thing..came up with stuff on a thread just to get it out...hope u have time to check it out

[trying]

Thanks a lot guys, wow i just bytched about not getting any replies and within like ten minutes i got two more, thats better. Lol, and yeah i think ur right about that one part, i kinda ran out of ideas there, thanks again for telling me ur thoughts.

[Bexi]

welcey ome...would u have a kweeeek look at mine please ..it's called elsuive conclusion

[cowslick]

"across the lines, who would dare to go? under the bridge, across the tracks, seperates whites from blacks..." - an amazing artist

its a good enough song, i think i have to go completely with Bexi on this... she knows what shes talking about

[trying]

Originally Posted by Bexi

welcey ome...would u have a kweeeek look at mine please ..it's called elsuive conclusion

Just did, and replied

[feedthegods666]

Im borderline, I'll cross the line
But this feeling ain't no stranger
A touch too content with suicide
But afraid to face the danger,
The hazard for the rest of you
Couldnt care less about myself
But would it get the best of you
Sometimes we all need a little help

*this is pretty cool. everyones prolly gonna bash it for being suicide like, but its still good material mate*

If i could just manage to
Turn my hatred towards the outside
Oh this would be so much easier
For the both of us, to subside

*awesome, i love it entirely. rhymes seem forced but so do KoRn's*

Give me a reason, Just tell me why
I can't fill this black whole in my chest
Give me a reason, Tell me a lie
I tried to fix this, just let me rest
...in peace

*i like the ABAB rhyme scheme, very cool. the "rest in peace" is an awesome touch at the end*

gimme piece of mind
i got left behind
and theres no way in hell
i'll catch up now
Let me slip, let me slip
into lasting tranquility
Oh i need the rest,
i just need to rest
...in peace

*not a fan of this. kind of like that slow part in "Left Behind"-SlipKnot...i didnt really like that either.*

Oh honey, please dont turn around
I can already see your face
I thought you said you didnt care
Now im lost without a trace
And there's tears in your eyes
Like there were in mine,
for every time i thought of you
I've gone too far this time

*pretty cool. some of the rhymes seem a little forced though, and the wording is a little bit weird. i dont like the "Oh honey" at the beginning either*

I was borderline, but I've crossed the line
And there's no turning back from the truth
But my tired eyes can't handle the sights
Of ironic conclusions, and what's left of you

*very cool. perfect spot in the song, nice closure*

-overall, overdone topic, but done very well!

[trying]

once again, thanks everyone, all of these responses to my stuff are really inspiring me to write more, in fact if it hadnt been for this site, i wouldnt have written either of the two songs ive posted so far, (the poem i already had since freshman year) So anyway, thanks a lot guys, and im gonna work on something right now.

[litmyself0nfire]

"If i could just manage to
Turn my hatred towards the outside
Oh this would be so much easier
For the both of us, to subside"

i don't like that, its not as well written as the verse

"Oh honey, please dont turn around<-i don't like the use of "honey" in this song, "darling" or "dear" would be prefered but not "baby" either
I can already see your face
I thought you said you didnt care
Now im lost without a trace
And there's tears in your eyes
Like there were in mine,
for every time i thought of you<---either this line
I've gone too far this time"<----or this line should be replaced

the verse are my favortie parts and this is my least fav:

gimme piece of mind
i got left behind
and theres no way in hell
i'll catch up now
Let me slip, let me slip
into lasting tranquility
Oh i need the rest,
i just need to rest
...in peace


pretty good though